


Anytime

by rokeat



Category: Take That
Genre: Canon, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-03
Packaged: 2017-12-31 09:00:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1029811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokeat/pseuds/rokeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canon. It's the opening night to the Beautiful World tour and Jason feels he is not ready for it. Thankfully Howard is there to make it all better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anytime

Everywhere he looked around him, all Howard could see was chaos. He didn’t think this dressing room was big enough for the four of them plus all the crew of dancers that went onstage with them. For a moment a thought that maybe they would do better with a changing room only for them crossed his mind; but he instantly refused it, as he didn’t think they should get a better deal just because they were actually part of the band.

The first night for their new tour, _Beautiful World,_ had finally arrived, the one where they would get to sing their new songs, and not just their greatest hits. Starting a new tour was always a difficult time for them, putting everything together, making sure everything worked, watching the reaction of the audience to everything they had so meticulously planned... It was exciting and scary at the same time, but Howard usually preferred to do the performances following the first ones. Not so much pressure on you when you’re already used to do everything you have to do. Especially for someone as shy as him. Or as nervous as Jason.

“Where’s Jay?” Gary asked, as if reading Howard’s mind.

“I don’t know, he was here a minute ago” Howard answered, startled. With all the movement around, them and the dancing crew getting ready, he hadn’t noticed Jason leaving the room.

“We are supposed to be ready on the stage like in ten minutes” Gary insisted.

“Relax, Gaz. I’m sure he was already dressed and ready and went somewhere more peaceful and quite than here to stretch and relax” Mark diminished Gary’s worry. “You know how he needs to concentrate”

“He was not dressed yet” Welly, the dancer that accompanied Jason in _It only takes a minute,_ informed them, looking a bit worried. “He said he just needed a bit of air and that he would be back in a second, but I haven’t seen him since”

“That’s just great” Gary groaned under his breath, though the other two men heard him.

“Come on, Gary, you know Jason, he’s never late” Mark insisted in defending his friend.

“Unlike you, you mean?” Gary joked, trying to stay positive.

“Exactly. He doesn’t need that much time to put on his suit and I’m sure he’ll be back in a second, as he said”

“You know what? I’m already dressed, I think I might go and look for him, just in case” Howard explained, feeling a sense of dread on the pit of his stomach all of a sudden.

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to worry” Gary replied.

“I’m not worrying, I just want to make sure he hasn’t lost track of time” Howard answered, only half lying.

“He better hasn’t, or he’ll hear me” Gary joked again, as he unsuccessfully tried to do the knot on his tie. “Dawn? Dawn, please, help me!” he yelled across the room to his wife to help him, as Mark laughed wholeheartedly.

Howard didn’t laugh, though. In fact he hadn’t even paid attention to Gary’s silliness. He was suddenly worried about his bandmate, he had a bad feeling that something was wrong with him. Jason took his job very seriously, and Howard knew it was not like him at all to just disappear only a few minutes before the show. Something must be seriously wrong, Howard knew, as he almost ran across the corridor that led to the back of the stadium, where he supposed Jason might have gone if he was looking for a bit of fresh air.

When he went outside, he could see close to nothing. Being in October meant that the nights and their darkness were already coming sooner every day, and it was even starting to get really cold. There was no sign of Jason in the vicinity of the back door, so Howard started walking a bit, not really knowing where he was going but feeling he was going in the right direction.

Only a few feet away he started hearing something, though he couldn’t figure out what it was. It sounded like an animal? Not there, thought. Maybe some ragged breathing? Yes, that was someone struggling to breathe. His heart on his throat at the prospect that Jason could be in some kind of danger, Howard started running towards the sound, so fast he didn’t see Jason’s figure, sitting on the floor with his head between his knees, until he had almost trampled him.

“Jay!” he said, trying to get his attention, his voice filled with obvious worry, but Jason didn’t give any indication he had heard him.

Getting more and more concerned about Jason’s state, Howard knelt in front of him and put his hand on Jason’s arms. That immediately made Jason react, and he seemed to jump out of his skin at the contact, frightening Howard all along with the unexpectedness of it.

“You alright?” Howard asked, and he could have kicked his own chin at the stupidity of his own question. Of course he was not alright, the man looked like a ghost.

“I... can’t... breathe” Jason was able to say, panting, his eyes filled with real panic.

“Yes, you can, you just think you don’t” Howard explained, looking much calmer than he really felt. He could see what was happening: Jason was having an anxiety attack, and it was up to him to remain as tranquil as possible so he could help him.

“Ho... ward, I...” Jason started again, but it was impossible for him to say anything else because of the lack of breath he was experiencing.

“Just concentrate on breathing, alright? Breathe with me, Jay. Come on, take some deep breath...” he ordered, doing so himself to encourage him. “Keep it inside for five seconds. One, two, three, four, five. Okay, now let it out. And again”

Jason was unable to do what Howard was asking for a whole minute, but then he concentrated on Howard’s soothing voice, on his warm hand on Jason’s own cold arm, and he started breathing in unison with his friend. It was not long until he noticed Howard was right: there was nothing wrong with his breathing, and death didn’t seem so near when he could feel the oxygen reaching his lungs once again.

“Just a couple of times more, come on, Jay, with me” Howard encouraged him although he could see his breathing was already almost back to normal.

Howard breathed deeply one last time and cupped Jason’s cheeks with his hands in a tender gesture. He could feel Jason’s pulse under his own thumbs, and it was beating like crazy. His skin was clammy with cold sweat, despite the almost chilling temperature, and Howard noticed he was only wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt to cover his upper body.

“God, Jay, you’re going to get a pneumonia” Howard murmured, more to himself than to his friend, and he took off the jacket of his show suit and threw it around Jason’s shoulders, just before vigorously rubbing Jason’s arms trying to warm him up. “Are you feeling any better?”

“I think so” Jason answered in a still shaky voice, deeply embarrassed now about what had just happened. “Sorry if I scared you”

“Don’t be” Howard answered, completely playing down the importance of it. “What was that about?”

“I don’t know” Jason murmured, taking his hand to his face in an attempt of hiding as much as possible. “I started feeling lightheaded inside the building so I just came here for a bit of fresh air and... you know the rest”

“That looked like a panic attack”

“I know”

“I know it’s the first night of the tour, and it’s scary but... I’d never seen you like this before. Not even on _The Ultimate Tour_ , and boy, we were scared back then”

“I know, it’s just...” Jason tried to explain, but Howard could notice his breathing becoming a bit agitated again.

“Hey” he said, as sweetly as he was able, ad he put his finger under Jason’s chin to lift his face and make him look at him. “It’s okay. I’m here with you, right? I’ve got you”

“I know” Jason nodded with the ghost of a smile, grateful his friend was with him.

“You can do this, you know that” Howard tried to encourage him.

“Not this” Jason answered, impossibly low, as if he didn’t want Howard to listen.

“Not what?”

“I can’t... I can’t do _Wooden boat_ , Howard” Jason finally confessed, his voice being the sound of fear. “I can’t go out there, in front of thousands of people, and sing a song on my own”

“What do you mean, _you can’t_?” Howard asked, not as surprised as he should about Jason’s confession. He should have known all along. “You’ve been rehearsing like crazy for this moment. You’re ready”

“I’m not ready, Howard” Jason insisted, shaking his head in negation. “I will never be, this is not for me. I’m not good enough for this”

“So that’s what’s been worrying you. I thought you were over it” Howard sighed, suddenly feeling very sad.

“Except that I wasn’t. You all trusted me so much to do it that I didn’t have the heart to disappoint you. I tried, How. I really did, but I can’t do it” Jason implored to his friend to believe him.

“But why did you never say anything?”

“I did! I tried, but you never listened! You never let me finish telling you about my doubts before you were already telling me I had to do it, that it was my moment”

“I was only trying to encourage you, not to make you feel you couldn’t talk to me” Howard apologized, feeling sorry he had involuntarily put so much pressure on his friend.

“I know, How, but... you don’t understand”

“Then explain to me”

“I don’t know how I let you all talk me into this. It was obvious from the beginning it was not meant to happen, as it never was before” Jason confessed his deepest fear without even realising it.

“Oh Jay” Howard murmured with a sad sigh, as he sat down in front of his friend and picked both Jason’s hands in his own. “It was always meant to happen, I wish I could make you understand”

“No, How. I know you all want to make me feel better, that you want me to sing my own solos so we all look like equals in the band to the eyes of everybody, but we are not. I’m never going to be good enough to be at the same level as you three, as soon as we accept that the better for everyone”

“Is that what you think? That we wanted you to sing because of what people might say?”

“Well... isn’t it?”

“No! Of course not. We wanted you to sing because we trust you. Because you’re a very talented man and you deserve much more than you got the first time around. It’s not out of pity that we gave you that song, but out of admiration and trust”

“But...” Jason tried to refuse the compliments, but Howard wouldn’t let him.

“No, Jay, no buts. You may not think you’re not ready to do this, or that you shouldn’t at all. But you’re the only one having that opinion, let me tell you that”

Jason stopped to think about Howard’s words for a minute, letting them go through his mind and reach his heart. He knew Howard was being honest: he always was, especially to him. But he also knew how much that wonderful man cared for him, how he adored him –even if he didn’t understand why–, so his opinion could very well be biased.

“I... I can’t” Jason answered with a sob, and Howard knew he couldn’t press him anymore if he didn’t want to risk another panic attack. He knew about Jason’s insecurities better than anyone, and the last thing he wanted was to make him do something he didn’t want and risk for it to go wrong and close that door for him forever.

“Look, Jay, I’m not going to tell you what to do. I don’t want to force you into doing anything you don’t want to do. If you don’t feel up to it, we’ll arrange it somehow so you don’t have to do it and we’ll go straight to the next song. Nobody will notice”

“But you are disappointed in me, aren’t you?” the sadness emanating from Jason’s voice and eyes was so big it painfully reached Howard’s heart.

“No” he was quick to deny, squeezing Jason’s hands, which still were in his. “I’m disappointed, I won’t lie to you. Though not on you. Just... on the fact that you won’t get to have your moment, as you deserve”

“Deserve?”

“Yes. As you have deserved for almost twenty years. I only wish you would only believe it yourself”

“Nobody but you thinks I should do this”

“No. Everybody thinks you should do it except for you and the person who imprinted those wicked insecurities in you” Howard contradicted him, not daring to say the name of the person that had scarred Jason’s confidence so deeply in the past.

“Let’s not go there, Howard, please” Jason implored, not wanting to stir up the past on a moment like that.

“I won’t” Howard promised. “I just want you to see that everybody believes in you. Why don’t you try that too for once?”

“You really think I can do it?” Jason asked, and Howard could see he was depositing all his trust in his answer, whichever might be.

“No. I _know_ you can do it” Howard answered with no hesitation.

“Then let’s”

“Are you sure?”

“Just... stay by my side” Jason pleaded. “I know I can only do it if you’re with me”

Howard smiled as an answer and he immediately sprang to his feet. He stretched his arm and offered a hand for Jason to help him, as a prove of how much he was going to be there for him. Jason’s only response was to smile back and take Howard’s hand. He let himself be helped in standing up and started walking towards the back door to the stadium, not letting go of Howard’s hand for a second.

**********

“Boys, where were you?” Skippy asked them as soon as they entered the changing room. He was obviously waiting for them to assist them in everything they needed, as everyone else had already made their way to the stage. “You better hurry, they are waiting for you”

“Skippy, could you leave us alone for a minute, please?” Howard asked in a whisper after Jason was already in the dressing room and starting to get changed.

“But Dougie, is very late...”

“I know, man, but we’ll be there in time, I promise. We just... need a minute”

“Jay, do you have your sound system ready?” Skippy asked.

“Yeah, I got it before I went outside, thank you, Skippy” Jason answered with a grateful smile.

“See? Nothing you can do for us here, we’re good. Now could you...?” Howard insisted, knowing he could trust the man.

“Alright, man. Whatever you need” Skippy answered warmly, always sensitive to the atmospheres around him and sensing something was going on that needed to be taken care of in private.

“Could you do one more thing for me? Could you go and tell the other lads we’ll be there in a second?”

“Of course, Howard. Just... make sure everything is alright”

“It is, I promise” Howard answered with a wink, and Skippy just patted his arm as he exited the room to let the others know the two missing members of the band would be coming in a minute.

“Gary must be freaking out” Jason spoke, and when Howard turned to him, he noticed his suit trousers were already in place and he was starting to get his arms through the sleeves of his shirt.

“Probably” Howard answered with a mischievous smile, as he gently pushed Jason down and made him sit on a chair.

“He’s going to kill me” Jason insisted while buttoning his shirt.

“He’ll be so happy to see us he will forget about everything else, don’t worry” Howard tried to reassure him as he knelt on the floor and took one of Jason’s feet on his hands to put his shoe on, then the other, making sure to be quick –they were in a hurry after all–, but putting a lot of comfort and caring in such a simple task at the same time. “Guess you’re ready to go, beautiful as ever”

Jason chuckled for the first time that day and playfully slapped Howard’s arm before he stopped a moment to stand in front of him and look him in the eye. He could always count on Howard to make everything better, to remain by his side no matter the situation, to believe in him for the both of them. He was still not sure he was going to be able to do it, but he was willing to try if only for this wonderful man in front of him.

Howard sensed all the emotion ragging through Jason’s head and he put his arms around him in a tight hug that lingered, as one of his hands found its way to the hair on the back of Jason’s neck to gently fondle it. He felt Jason’s arms going around his broad frame too, and their chests were so close together he could feel the beating of Jason’s heart, a little too quick for his liking but surely not as frightening so as before.

“Thank you” Jason whispered in his ear, so softly Howard wondered if he had meant for him to hear it, so he preferred not to answer with words, only to squeeze Jason’s body to his a bit stronger, if possible.

Having Jason in his arms felt good, familiar and new at the same time, but he didn’t have the time to enjoy how good this closeness made him feel before it was over, due to the fact they were in a real hurry.

“Are you ready?” Howard asked, deciding to leave him room to back up on his decision, even if he knew he wasn’t going to. If Jason was something, that was stubborn. And when a decision had been made, there was no way to change his mind.

“Yes” Jason answered, nodding more confidently than he really felt.

“Come on then” Howard encouraged his friend, and he offered his hand to him, which Jason willingly accepted.

**********

As Howard had predicted, Gary only scolded them a little for their lateness before he was already bouncing with joy at the perspective of beginning a new tour that would take them all across Europe and would last a good few months. Howard had to smile at his bandmate’s enthusiasm, and he also marvelled at Mark’s good heart when he seemed to notice some of Jason’s distress and asked him if he was okay with a hand  to the small of his back. Jason only nodded and smiled, not really sure he could openly lie, but then it was time for them to stand behind their boxes for their first song, _Reach out_.

When the concert started, Howard tried to keep an eye on his friend, trying to make sure he was not going to have another panic attack, or was going to start feeling poorly, but apparently he didn’t need to worry: Jason was a professional, and if he was feeling any kind of uncertainty or second thoughts about what was about to come, he surely wasn’t showing it. He even seemed to be aware of Howard’s watching, and at some time during _It only takes a minute_ , he paused just to look at him and smile in appreciation and reassurance. Everything was going well.

The concert continued without incidence, and as soon as the initial anxiousness passed, it was clear to anyone that they were having a great time onstage, and making the audience enjoy every single one of their songs, as they usually did. They soon were on the B-stage, playing some of their most acclaimed hits and interacting with the audience, asking them to sing along with them, which they willingly did. And then it was the turn for their last song before Jason would be left alone in the stage to sing on his own for the first time ever.

As the last chords of _Everything changes_ sounded and they encouraged the audience to sing the _Forever more_ fragment with them, Mark and Gary moved to one side of the stage and Jason and Howard to the other, as they had done in rehearsals. Jason’s smile showed none of his inner turmoil, but Howard knew better. He discreetly picked Jason’s hand behind their bodies as they sang and squeezed it strongly, showing him his support for what was about to come and trying to give him as much strength as possible. Jason turned his face towards him and, just for a second, his smile was only Howard’s, showing him his gratitude and how fortunate he felt for having him at his side.

Just as the lights went off so the boys would leave the stage leaving only Jason behind, Howard looked intently at him, as if asking him if he was ready to do it, and Jason’s only answer was to nod at him, more confidently than Howard had expected.

Howard followed the other three to the changing area, and he made a record time putting on his tracksuit so he could go back to the stage –even if it was only to the back of it, on his DJ booth– and be a witness to Jason’s performance. When he was asked about what was the rush, he pretended he needed some extra time to make sure his headphones were working just fine. He wasn’t sure he was fooling anyone, though: the sound boys had already checked on them and given him the thumbs up in front of everybody. They probably thought he was nervous and wanted to be in his place long before he needed to go out. Or maybe they just thought he was not in the mood to be making small talk with them as Gary grabbed a bite so as not to lose his concentration. He really didn’t care: he knew where he wanted to be right then, and it was there, at his DJ booth where he could clearly see Jason, to somehow pass him on his undying and silent support, if that was possible, and make sure he didn’t break his promise to himself to act like Jason’s guardian angel as he took the most difficult of the challenges he had taken since their reunion.

Jason was still talking to the audience when Howard reached the booth. He was all smiles and cuteness, not a trace of the fight going on inside of him, even if Howard knew better. The older man smiled when he noticed Jason had taken off his boots and socks: down-to-earth spiritual Jason, feeling the need to be more in contact with the floor under his feet.

“I’m gonna sing a song for you” Jason announced, and Howard could sense the anxiousness in him in the way he couldn’t stay put even when he theoretically was doing nothing aside from talking to the audience: he kept straightening the strap on his guitar, moving the microphone foot from one spot to the other, drying the sweat of his hands against his trousers... His voice didn’t falter one bit, though. He was doing a great effort not to show any weakness. “Some of you may know I didn’t get to sing a solo song the first time around... and you’re just about to find out why”

Howard felt a flash of pain in his heart: he knew those words would sound like a joke to the audience –and they surely did, judging for the laughing they elicited–, but Howard knew too much to ignore the truth behind them. The insecurity, the self-loathing, the lack of confidence Jason felt about his talent, especially regarding his voice. Not for the first time, Howard felt a wave of hate across his chest when thinking about the wicked man that that imprinted those sentiments in Jason’s soul. And he had done a great job, Howard thought, as they were still there, almost twenty years later, strong as ever.

“As much honoured as I am nervous about singing this for you, thanks for waiting” Jason thanked the audience and, just before he started singing, he turned his head around for a second. Howard knew Jason couldn’t see him, as he was in almost complete darkness, but he also knew that Jason was sure he was there, and it was his way of thanking him for his support, and to let him know it was only thanks to him that he was doing it.

Then the moment of truth came and Jason started playing the melody with his guitar, only to be accompanied by loyal Milton. Jason was tense, Howard could tell, his voice shaking a bit as he stood straight and tense, only his hand moved to string his guitar.

By the second verse, Jason had started moving his foot to the beat of the music, a sign he was already letting go and trying to just feel the music. His sweet and soft voice really matched the melody of his guitar, and Howard couldn’t believe Jason had felt he was not good enough to do it.

When the violins started, Jason was completely absorbed in the song. His voice wasn’t shaking at all anymore, his body felt almost boneless, as if he was floating, no sign of the previous tension. And by the last verse, the smile that filled Jason’s face was so big he looked radiant.

When Jason sang the last word and the lights faded only to the spotlight on him, the whole stadium, which had been submerged in a respectful and captivated silence, erupted into madness, a noisy and wonderful mixture of applause and delighted screaming that seemed to have no end. A couple of times Jason tried to speak, obviously wanting to thank them for their support, but they wouldn’t let him. And suddenly everyone started cheering his name in unison and that was what made it to Howard: the emotion of the situation, the warmth spreading in his chest as Jason finally got the recognition he deserved, and the happiest smile he had ever seen in Jason’s face displaying in the big screen behind Howard. It was suddenly all  too much and Howard’s eyes stung with unshed tears. He felt so proud of his friend he could hardly breathe. Some magic had taken place there that night and it was a moment he was surely never going to forget.

Jason took his time in introducing “the string girls”, as he liked to call those wonderful musicians that had accompanied him with their violins, viola and cello, and Milton McDonald, always there to cover their backside, which gave Howard some time to put himself together and concentrate on what was about to come, a very different part of the show, where he would get to deejay and make his own version of their old hit _Give good feeling_ before they were up to some serious dancing.

For the rest of the concert, Jason seemed to be on cloud nine: he laughed, he danced, he sang... with the biggest smile on his face, completely taken away by the moment and enjoyed the performance as he had never done before. By the time they started performing their last song, _Pray_ , he practically floated as they did their famous routine for the first time, as if his feet were not touching the ground.

When they got together for the bridge of the song on Jason’s microphone –as Gary and Mark did on the other side of the stage–, Jason immediately threw an arm around Howard’s neck and brought him to him in a one-armed hug. Howard put his arm around Jason’s waist straight away and smiled at him as they sang together before once again performing the routine. And too soon for their liking, suddenly the concert was over, and all they had left was to gratefully bow at the great audience they had had for the night.

As it was finally over, and they started going down the stairs that would take them off the stage and to the dressing room, where the dreaded ice-bath was waiting for them, Jason made sure to let Mark and Gary pass first and then he gently grabbed Howard’s arm to stop him.

“What?” Howard asked in surprise, turning around to face Jason and discover some emotion there he didn’t know how to label. “Is everything alright?”

But Jason didn’t answer. At least he didn’t do it with words, as his hand cupped the back of Howard’s neck and his face approached him until their lips met in a chaste kiss, born of gratefulness, fondness and something else Jason didn’t know how to describe. Howard was surprised for a second, but he quickly reacted and brought his hands to Jason’s slim waist, returning the kiss with as much emotion as his bandmate.

“Thank you” Jason whispered in a shaky voice once the kiss broke, cupping Howard’s face with both hands to make sure he understood how much he meant his words.

“Anytime” Howard answered with a goofy smile, capturing Jason’s lips for a second time before he firmly grabbed him around the waist and started walking towards the dress room, Jason’s arms going around his shoulders. As they walked along the corridor, arms around each other, Howard felt he could really get used to that. And he wished he would.


End file.
